the simple image used to be: Hate-fuelled terrorism declares war on the CIVILISED WORLD an icon for statesmen lining up hand on heart at Ground Zero National Anthem Flag Holy Firefighters Patriot Act War against Terrorism the plain the quickest the burning pictures a year ago were clearer were more precise TERRORISTSCRASHHIJACKEDAIRLINERSINTOWORLDTRADECENTERPENTAGONSOURCES GOOD INDICATIONS OSMAMABINLADENINVOLVEDINATTACKS the incomprehensible reality melts in the past in its monstrous scale the still incomprehensible reality is a comfort I dashed out of the house in Amherst it was already shattered afternoon the southern tip of Manhattan had been smoking for some time already black as a supertanker hit by incendiary bombs I drove telephoned got out in order to phone because I was stuck I had no reception was too agitated to drive and phone at the same time again and again screens radio-voices airplanes light as shadows plunging into skyscrapers as if they were thin aluminum pillars huge vomited fireballs traffic jams roadblocks accidents still unsuspecting people telephone booths by restaurants filling stations malls in order to perhaps get more information than with my cellphone all I have is that THEY'RE IN THERE driving me mad when I knew that THERE no longer existed (its last sign and memorial the cubes outlined by millions of scraps of paper and small debris a white shimmer in memory of the torn souls of the Towers) at first I couldn't get through to Seymour the cellphone networks in the Financial District had collapsed I didn't know Eric Mrs Donally wasn't in I had two numbers for Amanda's colleagues but got no more reply from them than from her I only got answering machines responding to the engaged tone mailboxes with synthetic voices telling me I was in a queue leading right up to the deepest abyss THEY'RE IN THERE for weeks and weeks I had Seymour's terrible words inside my head and those words are never-ending and won't go away those words spoken at 10.06 on Broadway within sight of the Twin Towers after they'd been hit one minute before the southern tower crumbled Seymour had hung up and set off running only to freeze immediately for ten seconds an avalanche coming down totally against reason a happening belonging to a completely different (geological, alpine) context a cloud the height of a tower came flying towards him edged as if wrongly drawn or in a stupid cartoon by the hard vertical lines of the tower blocks but then Goya's Titan right above you trampling you underfoot no oddly enough just sending you to a deafening booming grey and white world out of which figures of ash and smoke stumble vomit fall to the ground as if into a foam of rubble so light it looks as if the sharp-edged shattered objects wouldn't cut you as if all those you're looking for should come stumbling toward you any minute like these coughing spewing screaming cloud-born bankers housewives policemen someone dragged him into a shop closed the glass door just in time before the next cloud front (blacker higher a storm-cannon loaded with bits of debris) came hurtling past and all at once it was night and he was in a cramped drugstore with fifteen other people bathed in the light of fluorescent tubes like fish in an aquarium that's the way they're still there inside us as if enclosed in a luminous internal aquarium Amanda Sabrina that they can't escape from that we protect with our flesh our skin with the last of our life Seymour I didn't make it to Manhattan that night I stood beside my car in New Jersey sank after hours in the darkness to the ground on a path along the embankment leaning back against the front wheel and staring across the Hudson the Towers should have been on the far right just a conglomerate of smoke low flickering light seething darkness rising inky-black clouds adjoining the tower blocks beneath the pale sky planeless over the whole of America that completely cleared-out upper storey over the whole of America such a sky as there was in Goethe's days suddenly there was nothing but this I-can't-stay-upright-any-more as if that were my only problem a policeman spoke to me I drove the car onto the shoulder and must have told him something about Sabrina for he brought me a cup of coffee and wrote nothing in his notebook today I'd like to know his name so many people are meeting now it's all over to stare back into the past together at the dazzlingly bright shield of a crazy day that even in the hundredth repetition and under the pressure of millions and millions of looks will not yield one fraction of an inch nor lose anything of its mercilessly clear steely blueness but night had already fallen I was shivering or trembling so much that I got back in the car and continued to stare into the darkness from there until it gradually started to become transparent as if I'd won as if the Towers could now rise up again in that long-drawn-out vertical column of smoke initially black and of a dense oiliness then getting lighter and thinner smoke that months later could still be seen over the ravaged ground a veil refusing to dissipate like spectral hands clouding the brilliant views from all the helicopters high above the destroyed complex their penetration into the DEVASTATION AREA fed by the glowing hardly extinguishable underground cores three or five storeys deep beneath the rubble of high-density baked materials the kerosene had turned into a blazing bonfire in the morning light I saw that I'd almost knocked a fire-hydrant over the policeman who'd told me to park properly had presumably not noticed I was in Hoboken in a desolate area between football stadiums right by the river and looked across why Hoboken of all places I wondered several times perhaps because I'd once heard that soldiers' saying (Heaven, Hell or Hoboken) finally I managed to make it to Manhattan after a roundabout drive to George Washington Bridge then on foot and with buses the car parked close to City College was stolen because I'd forgotten to lock it and that was a relief and made me all the more determined to keep to my decision to stay in Manhattan and to stick it out whatever it turned out to be I found a hotel room which I used as a base for the two days I spent wandering around trying to get closer to the zone that monstrous shape of fumes and smoke spreading between the tower blocks like a mushroom cloud that can't get off the ground
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